Asking for Teacher Recommendations: My Tried-and-True Script to Help Kids Reduce Anxiety
Have you ever asked a client or colleague for a reference or recommendation?
I don’t know about you - but no matter how well I know the person, and no matter how highly I know they think of me - I get a little anxious. I think it’s partially that I don’t love asking people for favors in general, and partially that it’s uncomfortable for me to put myself out there in such a vulnerable way.
I mean, what if the person said no? I would be so upset! It’s hard for me to prevent my mind from going there, even when I logically know that there’s absolutely no chance that the person will say no.
Since I personally find this difficult as a grown adult, I can absolutely identify with a teenager’s anxiety over the same situation. I think it can actually be a lot worse for them: they don’t have enough life experience to be able to talk themselves through it, and many of them honestly don’t know what the teacher will say. It can be a very intimidating experience. This is especially the case for a so-so student who needs a letter of recommendation and isn’t thrilled with his options.
As with basically any task, kids that feel anxiety about this process or feel intimidated will simply put it off, coming up with every excuse under the sun to delay asking. As IECs, we need to meet these kids where they are at. Telling them not to be nervous isn’t going to work (heck - it wouldn’t work for me!).
Instead, I confide that I have the perfect method for asking a teacher to write a letter of recommendation, with wording that makes it impossible for an awkward situation to arise. You have to say this with confidence, by the way - the delivery is important! Here’s the exact wording that I recommend my students use:
Do you think you know me well enough to write a supportive letter of recommendation?
Short and sweet. It accomplishes the following:
Provides a very easy, non-awkward out for teachers who aren’t comfortable writing the letter. As I tell my students, the nicest possible thing that a teacher could do for a student would be to decline to write a letter of recommendation. If any hesitation exists, we do not want that person to write the letter. However, I agree that the conversations can be uncomfortable for both parties. This completely takes care of the awkwardness. The teacher can say, “Sorry, Johnny - I just don’t know you well enough.” Done and done.
Sets expectations for the quality of the letter. Again - we can’t have a bad letter. We can’t even have an okay letter. It has to be a supportive letter, and if the teacher can’t write a supportive letter, we need to find another teacher. This gets the point across in a low-key, respectful way.
My clients think this is absolutely brilliant. They love it. Here’s the written reminder I send after our discussion:
Don't forget to ask "if they think they know [you] well enough to write a supportive letter of recommendation" and immediately inquire as to whether they have forms they'd like you to complete or whether you should proceed with writing up your own notes.
Circle back with me and let me know where it stands. If the teacher asks you to fill out her own questionnaire, please do so and I will review it before you submit.
If the teacher wants you to come up with your own material, just complete the “Sample Teacher Recommendation Questionnaire” in your google drive folder and let me know when it is ready for review. I will help you turn your answers into a narrative format.
If the teacher tells you that no additional material is needed, I would still recommend completing the “Sample Teacher Recommendation Questionnaire” and proceeding in that direction. You can drop off notes and the teacher can either choose to use them or not.
Want copies of our teacher recommendation questionnaire?
Download it here!
Interested in adopting the process we use to turn the answers from the questionnaire into narrative format?
We’ll have it for you soon!